Monthly Archives: November 2013

“Keeping a to-do list is vital!” says office productivity software

Cast aside your Monday morning blues – it seems this is the time when you’re actually most productive, and able to really get into the working week. The best way to measure your productiveness is to tackle that ever-expanding to-do list:

Speaking in both a personal and professional capacity, if my to-do list ever contained as few as three items, I’d be worried I was doing something wrong. My ‘outstanding write-ups of PR in the Daily Mail’ to-do list is currently at over 450 stories for 2013…

Ah, bugger, it looks like that backlog of Mail stories may never get exposed and lampooned.

Fortunately, the company behind this survey have exactly the products you need to get your working week on track:

The research, which was conducted by Microsoft Office, also found that despite the pressures of the working day, 56 per cent of people will keep a to-do list at home compared to only 49 per cent at work

I wonder if Microsoft have any productivity tools to help expose how often their nonsense PR stories get presented as real news.

“People pay too much for technology!” says price comparison website

Christmas is coming, and the first shots in the PR festive savo have already been shot.

“Finding new people to date can be hard for someone who works hard!” says dating site

With more and more people spending more and more of their lives, it stands to reason that busy people looking for romance may find it hard to look beyond the water-cooler. If only there were ways of meeting new people quickly and risk-free?

The reasons for this, according to the survey, included the amount of alcohol consumed during the office festive bash and because eagle-eyed colleagues will be watching your progress.

Speaking about the results, a spokesman for the dating site said: ‘We spend such a large proportion of our lives at work so we wanted to find out what our singles actually thought about getting together with a colleague.

‘What we found is that most people have thought about someone at work at some point, and many more have acted upon it.’

So, it’s a straight choice: get into a messy office romance, or check out this particular dating site.

“The weekend is here, so sod those dieting plans!” says takeaway company

We may all pretend to care an awful lot about what we eat and drink as we strive to attain the kind of body the media requires us all to desire, but as soon as the weekend is here we sigh a collective ‘Fuck that!’ and reach for the bacon, according to this latest pseudoresearch paid for by…

A spokesman for the website, which commissioned the poll, said: ‘Friday is the day when most of us like to reward ourselves after a stressful week.

‘With most of us leading busy lives, and a constant pressure to eat well, drink less and exercise more, Friday is the first day of the week when we feel we can ignore all the good advice, and indulge in a few bad habits.

‘And why not – we spend most of the working week being good so I think we’re more than entitled to let our hair down once a week.’

That would be a takeaway company, telling us all to let down our hairs and let our weight-watching fall by the wayside this weekend.

“Spending lots of money on hair care is important!” says hair care company

“Pets cause lots of damage!” says warranty company

Who conducted the research warning us about the expensive issue of clumsy pets, and just how much damage they can cause to your home?

Kevin Gillan, managing director at warranty firm SquareTrade said: ‘This research proves that man’s best friend isn’t quite as loyal when it comes to devices which are almost always within ‘paw’s reach.’

If you have a pet, this particular warranty company believes you should take out extended warranties.

“You should put lots of work into your appearance at Christmas, ladies!” says tooth whitener

With Christmas approaching in a little under a month, it’s apparently time to start piling the pressure on women to meet the impeccably high standards of appearance set by a media infested by advertising for companies highly-invested in selling beauty products to women.

Much as the creeping approach of the festive season can be tracked by the first Christmas song you hear whilst shopping, the media equivalent of the ‘first robin of winter’ comes in the guise of the first warning to ladies to get into shape for the office Christmas party. In this case, the red-breasted harbinger of yuletide cosmetic pressure comes in the form of tooth-whitener retailer Blanx:

The whole operation begins today, exactly three weeks before the start of the December party season – with most office Christmas parties in the UK being staged between December 2 – 18 – according to research by BlanX.

…BlanX spokesman Ashleigh Fell said: ‘Christmas is the party season as far as the majority of Britain’s women are concerned.

‘They devote more time to getting themselves ready for it than any other single event in the annual calendar.

‘It is their one chance in the year to really shine and they are determined to make the most of it.

Did you hear that, girls? Christmas is your ONE chance to shine – it’s your FA Cup Final, and if you’re not on the top of your game when it comes to the birth of the Little Baby Jesus, then you might as well give up right now.

Of course, having fun takes lots of preparation but UK girls are happy to devote hours to it so they can look their best and, ultimately, feel their best.

That’s right – much like how an FA Cup Final represents the culmination of months of hard training and practice (I can talk only in metaphor I understand, I’m afraid), enjoying drinks with friends at Christmas can only come after weeks and months of painstaking and nerve-shattering panic and fear that you don’t match up to a hypothetical media ideal. That’s the only way to feel good about yourself – to submit to whatever social standards of dress are being touted in the glossies this year.

‘We have identified, through our research the day when most British women will start preparing for their big Christmas – and that day is November 11. National Little Black Dress Day.’

Of course, by ‘identified through our research’, Blanx actually means ‘have hired a PR company to come up with something superficially specific-sounding, yet ultimately vacuous and meaningless’. How perfectly fitting for a cosmetics company.

“Lots of companies use Christmas as an excuse for publicity!” says everyone, in the Daily Star

Christmas is a great excuse to get coverage for your company – a point which was unintentionally made astoundingly clear in the Daily Star last week, in a story with perhaps the most PR-per-inch of any I’ve ever seen.

“Finding a good hairdresser is more important than a husband!” says voucher website

Who carried out this study to discover that finding a good stylist is more important than finding someone you love?

The study was carried out by online savings site

NetVoucherCodes, it’s worth pointing out, do have vouchers for beauty treatments, but don’t list vouchers for husbands – showing clearly where there bread is buttered in this particular story.

“You’re a god-damn filthy liar!” says restaurant running excuse-based promotion

That’s right – you’re all no-good liars, every one of you! Or at least so says the company behind this particular tale:

But most of us lie to make other people feel better, a survey for Beefeater restaurants claims.

Why would Beefeater#s restaurant chain wish to insinuate you’re a liar? Well, they have a good excuse:

Whatever your excuse… There’s always time for a Beefeater!

The grill’s been on since 1974 and our passion for great British cooking is still going strong.

Every day should be a celebration and we’re on a mission to help you to find those little excuses in life to indulge in a treat and beef up your week!

So, what’s your #AnyExcuse ?


Because the beefeater chain of restaurants is running an advertising campaign based around excuses, we get a press release suggesting we’re a nation of liars.

I’d like to know what Jonathan Symcos of the Mirror has as his excuse for running a nonsense story like this. I wonder if there’s a hashtag for that one.

HT: @PencilBloke for the spot