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“You should put lots of work into your appearance at Christmas, ladies!” says tooth whitener

With Christmas approaching in a little under a month, it’s apparently time to start piling the pressure on women to meet the impeccably high standards of appearance set by a media infested by advertising for companies highly-invested in selling beauty products to women.

Much as the creeping approach of the festive season can be tracked by the first Christmas song you hear whilst shopping, the media equivalent of the ‘first robin of winter’ comes in the guise of the first warning to ladies to get into shape for the office Christmas party. In this case, the red-breasted harbinger of yuletide cosmetic pressure comes in the form of tooth-whitener retailer Blanx:

The whole operation begins today, exactly three weeks before the start of the December party season – with most office Christmas parties in the UK being staged between December 2 – 18 – according to research by BlanX.

…BlanX spokesman Ashleigh Fell said: ‘Christmas is the party season as far as the majority of Britain’s women are concerned.

‘They devote more time to getting themselves ready for it than any other single event in the annual calendar.

‘It is their one chance in the year to really shine and they are determined to make the most of it.

Did you hear that, girls? Christmas is your ONE chance to shine – it’s your FA Cup Final, and if you’re not on the top of your game when it comes to the birth of the Little Baby Jesus, then you might as well give up right now.

Of course, having fun takes lots of preparation but UK girls are happy to devote hours to it so they can look their best and, ultimately, feel their best.

That’s right – much like how an FA Cup Final represents the culmination of months of hard training and practice (I can talk only in metaphor I understand, I’m afraid), enjoying drinks with friends at Christmas can only come after weeks and months of painstaking and nerve-shattering panic and fear that you don’t match up to a hypothetical media ideal. That’s the only way to feel good about yourself – to submit to whatever social standards of dress are being touted in the glossies this year.

‘We have identified, through our research the day when most British women will start preparing for their big Christmas – and that day is November 11. National Little Black Dress Day.’

Of course, by ‘identified through our research’, Blanx actually means ‘have hired a PR company to come up with something superficially specific-sounding, yet ultimately vacuous and meaningless’. How perfectly fitting for a cosmetics company.